In my early thirties, I had a dark phase of my life, which came as a surprise. 

From the outside, my life was fine. Very good even.

I had my challenges but nothing that I’d think I wouldn’t be able to handle.

However, inside I felt no joy, just deepening sadness, hopelessness, despair, and no desire to live.

Life seemed like pointless suffering, to die more appealing than continuing living. 

What shocked me the most was how close that line was. And how intrusive depressing thoughts can be.

I did my best to pretend I was fine, and minimize interactions, so not that many people around me knew how bad I actually felt. 

I was afraid to be judged as weak. I also judged myself for feeling this way.

One day my sister admitted she didn’t know how to help me anymore. 

Shocker. If my closest person couldn’t help me, then who could?!

I realized I needed to be willing to help myself too.

If I fell into a deep hole and someone dropped me a rope, I should at least grab onto it and help them get me out of there.

I decided to help myself. 

I didn’t know how exactly or how long it would take but I promised myself I’d try anything and accept any kind of help to get out of this state.

I tried a lot of things.

The most effective ones for me were therapy and movement.

I reached out to a therapist friend that I trusted and was lucky to find an amazing martial arts teacher that inspired me to push my resisting body to move in new ways when all I wanted was to curl into a ball and stay in bed.

There were many hopeless moments when I felt like it would never get better.

I became scared of good moments because they wouldn’t last long. 

But I held on to my promise and kept going.

Little by little, I started to feel better, and eventually, it got stable. 

This was a very humbling experience for me, teaching me to never judge people, who get to that state. And encourage them to seek help. 

I’m grateful to my past self for this decision, for everyone, and for everything that helped. 

And for being alive. For love for life. For every moment that I am living, able to experience life’s beauty and contrasts as a human.