The concept that’s helped me a lot with my relationships that I learned through coaching was the manual.

A manual is an unwritten instruction guide for people in our lives about how they should behave so we can feel good and happy. 

Those manuals are often thick, detailed, and filled with should’s.

She should call me back if I called.

He should remember my Birthday. 

She should support me.

He should know what I like.

We expect others to know how to treat us so we feel good, and tie our happiness to their behavior.

Also believing that we’d be happier if another person would change.

Applying this concept included accepting that adults have the freedom to behave however they choose.

AND that the same applies to me.

Recognizing that other person’s behavior has no impact on me emotionally until I interpret and make it mean something. 

I could make requests but didn’t have to make my happiness dependent on whether they do it or not.

For example, my dream of living abroad didn’t match my dad’s dream of me living in Lithuania.

I used to feel guilty and angry because I felt like his happiness was dependent on my behavior and my happiness on him approving my choices, wasting hours trying to prove our points. 

In my manual, he shouldn’t ask me when I’m moving back. If he did, I made it mean he didn’t care about my dreams.

When I recognized that my feelings depended on my thinking, not on his actions, I stopped blaming him for my feelings and myself for his. 

Now I chose to think he wants me to live closer because he loves me. It’s ok for him to have his preferences, and it’s ok for me to live the way I choose. We can have different opinions and deeply care for each other. 

☑️ Is there someone you blame for making you unhappy? Do you have a manual for them? What do you want them to do differently, and why? What if you took responsibility for how you feel regardless of their behavior?

📷 Manual that now makes me and my sister laugh instead of feeling annoyed 🙂

Me: She should take photos with a straight horizon line. 

Her: She shouldn’t ask me that because I take pictures fast to capture the moment and focus on people, not horizons!